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January 28, 2018

One of my favorite MemoryTag cards is the card that reads “I’m sorry for being such a little sh’t.”   https://memorytag.cards/collections/sorry

It’s a card (only $2.99) that really says it all about life and its foibles.

First of all you’re not saying you’re a really bad person, in that case, you would be a “big sh’t.”
I intend to order 300 of these cards (little sh’t) and send them to each person whom I’ve let down since the time I was born to make amends and to clear the air so that if the world comes to an end I will have my account (that of life cleared).

It’s sort of like getting caught up on your monthly bills.

First of all to all the girls I knew before I met my wife and started to ruin her life, to all those girls I dated and tried to impress and then have naughty illicit physicality with—I will send you a card expressing regret for my actions. I might say to them I got fresh with you because I have a hole in my penis and that’s my way of losing my mind.

This goes way back, one time my mother caught me masturbating and I told her, “Do I interfere with your hobbies?”

Another time my mother found a girlie magazine under my bed and expressed horror. To get even with her I bought another magazine and put it under the bed titled “Big Boys of Brazil.”

I’ve never had a huge penis one time a girl said to me “What’s that in your pocket a thumbtack or are you just glad to see me?”

I’ll send her a MemoryTag card expressing regret if I can find her on Facebook.

I admit I don’t have the world’s biggest penis another time when I got into bed because I got lucky on a date a girl looked down at me and said, “You really should have that boil looked at.”

Sometimes after I swim in a swimming pool with cold water I look like I have two belly buttons. My thing is so small I was never half the man my mother was.

Nevertheless, my dear wife for some reason puts up with me.I’ve always been a champion when it comes to generating pity that might be part of the attraction. I could give my wife a MemoryTag sympathy card for almost all occasions.

First of all I come from a family of morons. When you look at the gene pool of my ancestry, it’s only the shallow end. When I got home from the army there was nobody at the airport to pick me up. I took a cab to my parents’ house and knocked on the door my father came to the door, opened it, saw me in my uniform and said, “Sorry, I already gave,” and shut the door.

That’s what my wife has to contend with.

My wife once told me my dependence on her was sucking her dry. I told her that was not the kind of sucking I was depending on. When we used to have sex we used to make exciting noises. Now we just hiss from leaking air.

There are three rings in marriage, an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering.

We got off to a less-than-good start. My mother-in-law (my wife’s mother) asked me in an accusing tone why we had no children yet after we had been married for two years and hinted that I was less than a man. I told her with a calm expression that no I really was a man; however, I had strangulated reproductive “spermatozoons” that swim backward instead of forwards due to a life of riotous debauchery.

She rarely bothered me again after that.

I’m the kind of person who often says to himself out loud, “This wouldn’t happen to anybody but me.”

When I say something that irritates my wife which nowadays is just about all the time she theatrically dips her head in dismay. I often tell my wife I wish she had married a successful man and not me not because I have her best interest at heart, but because there would be fewer bills in the mail.

My wife told me she wasn’t interested in casual sex and so I put on a tuxedo, but she said she wasn’t interested in formal sex.

But no seriously I love my wife she’s the mother of my child who grew up and told me she would teach me to be a man. I told her the best I could do would be to imitate one, and added some sage fatherly advice—based on my past life, don’t listen to any advice I give.

I’m going to give them all a MemoryTag card.

MemoryTag is the card that says just about everything from happy birthday to get well cards, graduation cards, Mother’s and Father’s Day cards, sympathy cards, weddings, anniversary cards, funny cards, weird cards, Valentine’s Day cards, thank you cards, all of them a fraction of the cost of a store-bought card and all with video message capability.

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