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October 02, 2017

If you’re like most married couples snoring at night has become more common and sex has become less common depending on how long you’ve been married, and while one requires very little tolerance (sex), the other requires “the patience of Job” as the old saying goes.

Job was a guy in the Bible who had a big family and had to put up with a lot of sh’t (why didn’t you feed the sheep last night like I asked?), and life in general and all its petty humiliations just like you and I do.

But snoring at night is just below frequent farting in order of annoyances—if your other married half does it. This is followed in descending order of irritation including your partner picking at their food in front of you at a restaurant, babbling, talking incoherently to their self in the background when you’re trying to concentrate on something, losing car keys (this is mainly a woman thing), asking you if there is any wine left after you just drained the bottle (you didn’t think they wanted any), ganging up with your daughter against you, and other things too numerous to mention.

Snoring is right near the top of the list of “Why did I ever get married?” moments.

First of all, your partner is loudly snoring, which means they’re sleeping, and you’re not. You’re listening to them snore. Not only are they pissing you off with their snoring, but they’re getting rest (sleep) and you’re not. You’re listening to them snore. Tomorrow, they will be rested, and you’ll be (the F word) exhausted.

It’s like rubbing salt in a wound. You’re the victim, the snor-eee, they’re the perpetrator, the snor-orrr, and they got a full night’s sleep and you didn’t. You got (the S word for what you do with a screwdriver).

That’s if you don’t object. If you do, you lightly tap your partner and say to them, “Hey! Hey!”

Watch out, in a reflex action they sometimes reach over and slap you right in the face. You feel for a second in this case like pulling a chair-leg loose and pole-axing ‘em over the head, but that would be mean to seek revenge on an innocent snore-er.

Instead you again poke them and say gently, “Hey! Hey! You’re snoring.”

They (still asleep) shift in bed and mumble something like “Gwaakcwkwaffreeepliffdubdub..dub!” Then they resume snoring louder than ever.

There are different kinds of snores:

The Freight Train– This one sounds like it’s bearing down on you complete with clacking wheels and horn honks with sinister pauses for a brief second in between. You would think the rhythmic cadence of what sounds like train wheels rumbling under the floor would be restful—like sleeping on a train overnight. But no, it’s too loud. It sounds like your car is stalled on the rail track and you’re in the path of Armageddon. If only your partner could hear this. You shake them awake and plead with them to stop. They roll over and it’s silent for five minutes.Then they go right back to doing it again. In anger you feel like yelling, “All aboard!”

The Ker-plop-ker-plop-ker-plop– This one is unusual, a series of huffing noises followed by what sounds like a gulp, then silence for three seconds, then over again, with an occasional “Huff-huff” in between. It sounds vaguely like what it must sound like to have a deep sea diving suit on (you know with those screw-on iron helmets), although you can’t be certain, you’ve never been deep sea diving.

The Low Saber Tooth Tiger Growl – This one is pretty straight forward, a series of low sounding snarls that sound like “Grreeeesh……Gressssh!” Always with a pause and sometimes not a growl but a small popping sound that like the windbag on a Scottish bagpipe, you can tell the snorer is building up steam for a really loud “Gressssh!”

The “Swish…Swish…Swish!”– This one is at least pleasant. It sounds like surf breaking on a distant shore. You wish your partner would snore this one. Like requesting a song from a radio station over the phone, this is your favorite, you hope your partner will snore this one.

There is a remedy. Take a MemoryTag greeting card, the one pictured here, the one that says, “I Love to Snuggle in Bed With You,” (and on the inside it says), “But When You Snore, Not So Much.” Using your smartphone, record your partner snoring at night without of course their knowledge. Make certain to record the snore that pisses you off the most. By using the app to place the video on the card, your partner the next day can open the card, read its message and view themselves snoring their head off.

If they’re a reasonable person they’ll be horrified and agree to wear one of those nose-plug contraptions that look like a crab crawled over your face. Peaceful nights might be yours again thanks to MemoryTag.   https://memorytag.cards/

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